What · Lies · Behind · My · Ice · Blue · Eyes

This is the time when my mind is racing. I am seeing my life on a huge screen inside my head being played back to me as if it was a movie. I am seeing good things,bad things, worse things, and fucked up things that I have done,have had done to me, and have done to other people. I am seeing all the mistakes I have made laid out before me on a map which is called my life. There are other things I see as well. I see the mistakes of my parents and how they are suffering what they did and did not do. I am looking back to time when my life was simple before complications and money and bills and headaches and heart aches and when a Friday night was a cup of coffee and hours of endless conversation. Now my Friday nights are much different. Now they are filled with work and talking to people who want to order their food and they would rather not see you for any longer than you have to stand there. After my job dies down and my section is clean I pack myself into my car and drive to my apartment which is hell on another level to where even I can't begin to describe it. I have more responsiblities than most people my age. I work full time and soon enough I will be a full time student studying hard to make me more than what I am. But the reason for this is not to tell you all the things that have piled on my plate and some of the contents spilling on the floor it is more or less to tell you all that you are right about everything you say that I am. Yes, I am the slut you always said I was behind your hands in lowered voices when you didn't think I would hear. Yes, I love the pain that life seems to bring me because it has not killed me it has only made me stronger. Yes, I did fuck your boyfriend in your bed when you were at work and left something there for you to find to know he was fucking someone else when you were not at home. Yes, I am the pothead you always thought I was and yes even stoned I have more brain function that you do. Yes, I am a homewrecking whore. I am a disappointment, I am a bitch, I am angry and hurt and heartbroken. I am a rebel without a cause, you don't have to hand me a reason to hate you I can find one after you say one thing to me. I am lonely in the sense of companionship but I am not alone if I don't want to be. I am evil. The root of my evil has yet to be determined but if you stick with me long enough and get into my head you will see and hear things that will scare you to death. Yes, I hear voices all the time sometimes they are sad and are seeking help, other times they are pissed and they are looking for a place to put all the madness that they are feeling because you breathe. I see things as well. I know when there has been blood on the walls in your house by your hand or someone elses. I know when my friends need me. I know when someone I love is lost and all they need is a phone call to pick them up. I feel others pain more than they know. Yes, it is true I do hate everyone. I have been fucked over, shat on, i have given everything I have to one person only for them to look me in the eyes and tell me to go fuck myself. Yes, I have cut myself to make it all better. I have drank myself into acoma to forget you exsisted because you hurt me so bad i didn't know what else to do. Yes, I have sucked off a guy in the beer cooler while I was working and yes he did have a girlfriend. I am the child your parents warned you about. I am the girl that you sneak out with to go hide in a field and drink cheap digusting beer with on a school night only to wake up in the morning for school and you are hung over or still completely wasted out of your minds. I do not ask about your parents because I don't give a damn about your parents. You are in my life not your fucking parents. I smoke cigarettes like I will never have another one again, I drink until the bottle is gone and if one bottle is gone and there is another one waiting I am the bitch who will crack the other bottle as soon as the last drop from the first one has hit your throat. I will say what everyone thinks about you and no one will say to you because I don't care. the worst thing you can do is tell me to go fuck myself and you will not be the first nor the last. I can make you smile like you have never smiled before in your life and I can make you cry so much you want to die. I can keep you close in my heart forever or i can throw you away like a used condom. I can give you a look that will make you want to fuck me or fight me or both at the same time. I can make you feel like in asshole in less than three minutes. I smoke pot to smile and laugh because without that I don't smile and I very rarely laugh because I work to much,smoke to much, think to much and spend far to much time by myself in my own head. I dream things that you will only ever see in your nightmares. I am a train wreck of emotion on any given day. I am an accident. I was and still am the oh fuck baby. I ruined my mother's chance of ever being anything more than what she is now until she decided to change that. I have been the one to push everything aside to save your ass and I have also been the one to ignore the call if I knew you needed me but didn't want to help you because you needed to help yourself. I have been a good friend and I have been a bad one. I have talked shit about people behind their backs and I have fessed up to it when they find out. I have thrown up on my nieghbor in a drunken stupor. I have driven drunk and not given a damn if i killed myself or someone else. I have lost more than anyone will ever know. Loss is a poem written by an unknown author on three stones in Japan. All the words in the poem are scratched out. You can not read loss, only feel it. How do you feel the diffrence between loss and pain if loss and pain is all you have ever known? How do you tell someone that the one person that they loved most in the world and trusted like no other will not be calling the next day? How do you comfort someone who is dead inside from all the pain? Where do you go when there is no one else around? How can you ever love someone when you don't trust them? So coming to close, yes I am everything you always said I was. I am a smoking,drinking,pothead,slut,whore,kid that your mother warned you about. But the question is do you know what else I am?

So here's the skinnie on what has happened. Well last night had a complete blast. Went out with Tracie,Jenna, and Dan and we played with some sticks and balls (pool for the nonprevs arounds here) and Trace and Jen got trashed at the bar. After that we left the bar and took Dan home and then Charlie's angels went up to IHOP. Oh yeah on the way to IHOP we stopped at a 7-11 because after downing a pitcher of beer for Jenna and 6 Screwdrivers for Tracie they really really had to go to the bathroom. So as Jenna is coming out of 7-11 a guy flags her down and calls her over to his car asking him what kind of perfume she wears. He opens his trunk goes on this whole script on how it is a lot of perfume for suchn a cheap price blah blah blah. As he trys to sell it to Jen he notices me and calls me over. He gets my attention by saying hey you you the chick that looks like the chick from Evanescence (of course because he couldnt possible be talking about me I start to look around to see if there were any other gothed out bitches hanging out). So as I am looking around he comes up to me and says yeah I was talking to you. So this guy told me I looked like Amy Lee. I am thinking yeah only in my wildest dreams. So after mingling with the perfume guy for a few minutes and him telling me I was hot and saying again how I looked like Amy Lee we jetted over to IHOP. In the IHOP parking lot Jenna handed me the bottle of Jager she had gotten me earlier and I got trashed. So we all three sat in IHOP last night trashed out of our minds and me occasionally hacking a lung up... (so this is what I get for switching to Newport 100's for a day because they didnt have my usual brand of cigarettes.) making everyone sitting in smoking start laughing hystarically at us. So because I was intoxicated I didnt drive home. Jenna sobered up enough to drive Tracie home and from there went back to jen's to spend the night because I realiozed about 5 minutes into the car ride to Tracie's there was no way in hell I would be okay enough to drive home by the time I got to Jen's... (me laughing hystarically in the front seat at nothing didn't give me a hint or anything). Also today started off okay. Had a bit of a hangover. No big deal though just a mild headache this morning and after chugging a diet pepsi having a cig and popping some tylenol I was okay. Took a shower got ready for the day Jen and I dropped Tracie off at work and then we went back to Jen's while she was doing something at her house I decided i would jet home really fast grab my phone charger and some tweezers and then come back. However I thought this short trip to my house was going to play out it didnt work out that way. I got to the house plugged my phone in for a minute and then went back to my brothers room where I am keeping all of my things for the moment because when I said to my mother I am moving back in I will only be there a couple months she klept me to it so I keep all my crap in my brothers room and I usually sleep on the couch because most of the time I never quite make it back to sleep in my brothers bed (for those of you who dont know my brother is autistic and doesnt sleep in his own bed he sleep with my mother)so I crash on the couch most nights if I am not staying with Dan. So I went back to my brothers room to grab something and i noticed something was off in my closet. I buy my own shampoo and conditioner because I can't use Suave or VO5 it does nothing to my hair except make it a big mess for me to brush out when i get out of the shower, so I spend the extra money every couple of weeks and get myself 2 bottles of shampoo and a big ass bottle of conditioner. Well this past time I went the extra mile took some advice from a friend who has the same kind of hair that I so and spent the extra dollar and some change and bought Thermasilk. Well because I buy the shit and I cant afford to buy shampoo and conditioner every week and I cant afford to have 5 people using my shampoo I keep it in a bag zipped up in my closet. Go into my closet for something notice that the bag that all my bathroom stuff was in is completely unzip. I am only irritated at this point thinking maybe my mum ran out of shampoo and needed to use mine.No hbig deal just wish if that was the case she would have called my cell phone and let me know and i would have been like I always am when it comes to things of this nature okay cool no big deal just put it back when you are done so Kimberly and Jason dont use it all up because they wont pay to replace it. As for my wishful thinking of it being my mother and having them be in the shower or under the sink in the bathroom as I had hoped but yet known in the pit of my stomache they wouldnt be there of course as per usual my gut instinct was right. So I casually walk out into the dining room look at my sister and say "Hey do you know where my hair stuff is?? I dont mind if you use it occasionally but please put it back because it is all I have until I get my first check from Target." And anyone who knows my sister should know how this story went but since most of you dont I will fill in the blanks . She looks at me unblinkingly and with this sharp attitude tone in her voice (the first hint that she is lieing to you) "No! I dont know where it is!". First thought that came to mind maybe mum hid it from me in her room not likely but worth a shot. Then I had a brain blast and i knew exactly where she put it.Kimberly thought i was dumb and that I wouldnt go looking for my stuff in her room. Well I went in there Knew exactly where it was grabbed my stuff put it back in the bag where it belongs grabbed my phone charger and headed for the door. I knew somehow it would come to this. I knew that she I were going to get into it the minute she bitched at her boyfriend to make sure I wasnt in her room. She comes back into the living room and bolts in front on the door. She is 16 about 135 lbs and 5 months pregnant so save for the pregnancy part if it wasnt for the fact that my nephew is inside of her she and I would have gone blow for blow until I got out the door. So she goes on to tell me mum said she could have it. Still thinking I am a complete moron and wont pick up the damn phone and call her and ask her even if she was in school. So thats what I did. Tried to do the responsible thing before getting pissy and called my mother and asked her if she had said Kimberly could have my shit. She of course as she usually does says no. So I hold tight to the bag and my sister informs me that I am not leaving. So my choice was this give her the bag and then go, wait for my mother to come home cling the bag for dear life (because granted it is only shampoo but I am broke as shit and I cant go out and buy new clothes when I feel shitty so like any girl I want to be able to take my hair down at the end of the day take a shower and come out of the shower with nice looking hair),I could jump out the window in my brothers room, or I could start a bunch more shit and try to push through her. Well i opted at first to wait patiently until my mother got home sat on the couch for a minute and called Jenna to inform her that our trip to Southland would be postponed for a bit because my sister was being a cunt. So me being me trying not to get upset or pissed off and wanting to avoid confrontation opts for FUCK THIS SHIT I AM NOT SITTING HERE WAITING FOR MY MUM BECAUSE DAMNIT I AM NOT GOING TO BE TRAPPED IN MY MOTHERS HOUSE BY MY 16 YEAR OLD SISTER. So I decide I am going to hop out the window of my brothers room and get out that way. Go to do that and my sister decides to stand in front of the window. She screams at her boyfriend to hold the door while she is trying to keep me from jumping out the window. While all of this craziness is going on my sisters friend is sitting back watching casually like this was a three ring circus with me being the lion and my sister the lion tamer with the whip and the chair. Well at this point I was good and pissed off slammed the window shut and bolted to the door where her boyfriend then tried to stop me from going out. I looked at him dead in the eyes and said for him to let me the fuck out and he eased up on the door as I heard something from my sisters mouth about her boyfriend blah blah I was too pissed to care. She then tried to push me back in the house but I shoved oast her and bolted to car and jason was not for behind me talking about why you push her or some bullshit. I get into my car and lock the doors immediately and fired that bitch up and tore out of that driveway like a bat out of hell. Jason and my sister were throwing rocks at my car trying to break one of my windows. I sped through the neighborhood and I went 40 miles an hour is 2nd gear with the engining making revving noises all the way until I got on to Sparrow Road to head out the main highway. Once I got to the stop light to turn on the main road I called Jenna and told her that I was out of the house and that I was on my way. It was then that I just let go. I broke I started to cry and shake from being so upset and so angry at the fact that if I had been Kimberly and she was me I would be punished emensely for what had gone on. So after I talked to Jenna I put a call in to my mothers cell phone and left her a voicemail telling her I will not be treated like shit and Kimberly will not act like my mother. After that Jenna called me right back asking me if i wanted to go to the gala for her job tonight. After I got off the phone with Jenna I called my boyfriend and my partner in crime Dan to fill him in on what had gone on. First thing he said after I finished telling him the story is dont make me go over there and whoop his little ass for fucking with you. I then assured him that everything was going to be handled. We talked for a little bit and then from there I decided I needed to go smoke a cigarette and Jenna and I talked a little while we were smoking I said something I didnt think I would ever say. I looked Jenna in the eyes and said sometimes I wish my dad wouldhave fought for me harder because I know things would have been different if I had lived with him. After I smoked I called my dad to let him know what happened and he said to keep him posted.So here it is 5:30 pm and still no word from my mother. No phone call to see if I was okay, or accusing me of hurting my sister,nothing as of yet, I am shivering with anticipation as I await that call. This is what drove me away from them the last time this tired ass bullshit. I will not be put in the position I was put in last December. I will not have everything I own and that is important to me in a box in some office. I am not going to let my sister or my future brother in law push me around and I will make it clear to my mother the same kind of thing will happen over and over again until Kimberly and Jason learn that I will not be fucked with and if it doesnt stop then I will move the fuck out. Dont know where I will go for right now but I will figure something out. Until I get a chance to update next time I love you all.

Not a lot has been happening lately. I am still dating dan. Getting ready to go on two months which for all who know me know this is an all time record. I am a speed dater. Known very well for dating fopr a couple of weeks and then breaking hearts. Dating was never my thing until I ended up meeting Dan. He adores me and I adore him. He is well perfect. Loves everything about me even me being tiomid and scared to talk to him about things. I will talk to him and he will hug me or cuddle up close to me if we are in bed and reassure me that he is not going anywhere. That in itself is pure heaven. I am still living with my mother that is an interesting journey if nothing else. I constantly avoid my house like the plague because I am miserable here and I make everyone else here miserable too. I got into an arguement with my father last night which is never surprising he and I are always fighting about something. Last night it was about me changing jobs again. He fails to realize that I am 19 so I am well of legal age to make certain discissions for myself like my job,vote,smoke etc etc etc. My friendship[ circle has also been shifting lately. i rarely hang out with anyone that I used to hang out with. Not because I dont miss them or want them around just because they are all too busy for me or I am too busy for them. With Sandra being engaged her day begins and ends in what she would like to call a man who i think dispises me no matter how pleasent he trys to be. I dont particularly like him but I am never very fond of anyone she has dated. She has her standards for acceptable boyfriends set very low in my eyes. It seems like she is settling for the crumb of happiness she has found rather than searching for the whole pie. Rhae and I rarely hang out anymore due to her schedule and she doesnt call anyone so I dont call her because I am not sure when she is working and when she isnt. I guess I should make more of an attempt to see her but when I am wake she is sleeping and when I am sleeping she is more often than not working or even off driving. I see Ashley occasionally but not as often as I used to. I miss her a lot and she and i need to hang out soon. I have been hanging out with my new friends Jenna and Tracie as well as Dan (mi amor) and Dave. They are older and dont treat me like shit. I have become so over being treated like shit and being walked on sop i found friends who respect me and who deserve to be in my life. There have been very fewon those as long as I have had friends and now I want change that. I am not going to be treated like I am nothing when I know very well that I am much more than that.

naughtyscholgrl's Halloween party:

aisforapathy dressed as the Viscount of Optistanara.
babygirl0069 dressed as a small ghost.
badgirlpixie dressed as Halle Berry.
demonsaxe dressed as Wile E. Coyote.
dmlaenker dressed as Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.
electroclashes dressed as the Unknown Power Ranger.
electrofish dressed as a disturbing self-made character called "Crusty Bananabreath", though it looked more like the Cardinal of Osbusdale.
faeshale dressed as the Magenta Power Ranger.
frosted_silence dressed as David Beckham's brother.
ireth dressed as a executive webpage designer.
justincase188 dressed as a goblin.
juvenilewreck dressed as something stiff, but what, specifically, you can't tell.
korean_bulldog dressed as a goblin.
ldycaillean dressed as a bottle of yepphoooid.
little_nephilim dressed as Alex Rodriguez, though it looked more like a new superhero: Snow -wave.
mizzadamz dressed as a 1980's yuppie child.
movingthestars dressed as Mary-Kate Olsen with her very own conjoined Ashley, and it suited them disturbingly well.
rdallyn didn't dress up, spoilsport.
sailorrob dressed as Anna Kournikova riding a giraffe.
samainfirenight dressed as a new superhero: Space Ranger.
saxonny didn't even show up and doesn't get any candy.
the_lorelei dressed as a character from Harry Potter and the Infinity Hound.
thegtownclown dressed as Harry S Truman.
theophania_79 dressed as Marge Simpson.
uktara2 dressed as a squirrel.
vesemesas dressed as a ground.

Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
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The world is on fire.... Jess is actually dating someone like no casual sex seriously dating this guy. His name is Dan is very cute and sweet and he is just all of it. We went out on our first date this weekend and it went great. We went to the movies and say click and then we went and hung out at my house and it was just awesome. Oh yeah my job is awesome. i love it very much. It is a fast paced office job everything that i have been looking for. It is better than resteraunt work and guess what I have can have a life because it is a 9-6 instead of a whatever till whatever lol.

Well last night was kinda cool... I fell asleep pretty early in the day yesterday I passed out around 2:30ish and from there it went a little bit weird. I woke up around 10:30 11:00 at the latest and then I got up and called Rhae. She and I chatted for a bit and then I let her go so she could eat something and then I went about my business for a while. Then she and I ended up hooking up later. She and I decided to go to IHOP and we met up with Chris and his friend Shawn. It was cool we all hung out for a little while then we went driving. After we went driving Rhae-sama brought me back home so I could get ready for work. So I got ready for work and i looked hot... which if you know me you also know i don't leave my house looking terrible. So work went well kind of boring but good none the less. So i got off of work at 6:15 and then i came home and i changed into sweats pretty much planning out the rest of my evening as far as me curling up on my couch and falling asleep while i was watching law and order... much like most nights. But plans changed Sandra showed up and asked me if i wanted to go to IHOP so I took a shower and called Dan and then the three of us met up there. It was cool we all chilled and hung out and then Dan and I started to cuddle and it was really sweet. And guess what JESS HAS A FREAKING DATE THIS WEEKEND!

Well it's been a while since I updated this thing so I figured before I got ready for my first day of work. Everything has been a little bit crazy. I live at home now, and that's okay. Some of moving back home has been hard other things have been really easy. Adjusting to the whole new found independance being torn away was kind of hard. But other than that everything else has been okay. I miss living at the apartment but there was so much bullshit that was entailed in living in the apartment. So much bad blood was there at the end. Nick and I don't even talk anymore and that in itself is bad enough because he and I got close in the coarse of the apartment and to lose a friendship like that really hurts. I miss him very much in all his craziness. Recently I have been having some problems with my car and finally it broke down. But today or tomorrow it is on it's way to Dr. Brian Kia Doctor Specialist. Now other than all the usual bullshit everything has been okay. I left Uno in July and since then I have been looking for a job and didnt have any luck until this past week. I had exhausted all of the resteraunts in the greenbrier area I even tried to go back to Friendly's but that didnt pan out. Finally I started interviewing in other places like call centers and office jobs and finally I got a call back. I start at Map Communications Taking messages for Doctors Lawyers Plumbers etc etc. Also for anyone who cares I met a guy... not dating him yet but we will see where it goes. But have to get ready for work so will update later ta ta for now.

If you want to have coffee with me, write "I'm a media whore" in the comments. If you want to fuck me, write "I'm a consumer whore" in the comments.

If you want something even more special, give me your SSN and a major credit card number in the comments.

All comments will be public. I mean, obviously you were vain enough to blurt it out somewhere else, right?

Right?

(And if you can't wait to tell me how badly you want to hook up, that's what email is for.)

Okay so here I am again, updating twice in a week holy crap what is up my arse? Pure craziness, I know! Well nothing too exciting has happened just felt like updating. Monday was pretty normal. I stayed up all night Sunday because I had slept most of the day on Sunday. I then came over my mum's house for an early dinner/lunch thing and I ended up online to check my livejournal. Sandra had left a comment on here so I responded with a long comment to her and about ten minutes after I posted my comment my cell phone started ringing. She and I decided we would meet up in about 5 minutes after that to talk things over. So we met and things went okay. I did a lot of talking and she did a lot of silence as per usual. I expressed to her that I was not angry about her not moving in with me I was angry about her waiting until the last minute and putting Nick and I in the drink. She said she understood and she was terribly, terribly sorry. She also told me she didnt want to lose 4 years of friendship. I agreed with her. She told me she felt like her friends were running her life. i explained to her that when I lived with my mother that it was easy for us to hang out because she lived a hop, skip and a jump away from me, but now that I live in ghent it is an entirely different story. So i guess the conversation went well, but at the same time things feel like they are left unfinished. Tuesday was another average day. Spent most of the day with Rhae and then went to meet up with Ashley and the gang at the HOP. Hung out there for a while and then I headed home to do laundry. i did three loads of laundry and went home and feel into a very much comatose sleep. Yesterday was pretty cool. I slept till about 12:30 when my phone rang about three times. It was Rhae calling me asking me to go to lunch. We then went to El Loro for lunch of course as always the food was yummy. After lunch she wanted to go to Bsrnes and NOble but I had to jet off to work. Work was pretty cool nothing went on really we were relatively slow but I made some money. After work I went to visit with Rhae for a few minutes but she seemed a bit onry and didnt seem like she was seeking company so I left. I started to head home so I could go to the laundry mat and do another load of laundry and my phone rings and it was Ashley asking me to go to IHOP with her so we could get some food. We spent about an hour together and then I took her home and I headed home myself. I decided when I got home to hang out till whenever and then go to the beach this morning and that is where I am headed after I get done updating my lj. So not too much going on just felt like filling in the spaces of my last couple of days.

Not to much craziness this week.... okay so this is not true. Monday night was well... ridiculous. I ended up going out with Ashley to IHOP as per usual. Well while we were there Ashley decided to call Andrew from my phone. She called him twice from my phone and he didn't answer. So a few minutes later she called him from her phone and he answered. Ashley then called him out on some shit. She told him he was acting like a child when he hangs up on me. So after that it is all a blurr of about ten phone calls and Randy saying something about in real life we don't have circle time and Andrew needs to be a man and handle the situation in person. So he finally turned off his phone. After that I went home and crashed. Tuesday I slept all day and then Nick, Amanda and I went out. We went to the wave on goth night. So for the first time in my life i gothed out and had a great time. Didnt do much dancing except in my seat because I am socially anxious and I feel like everyone is looking at me, but it was fun none the less. Wednesday was a relatively normal day went to work came home stayed up went walking with Nick after getting a yummy bagel from yorgos. Then I went and hung out with my mum for a while and then i went home and watched Dune, talked to Beth for a few minutes chatted with Josh and then called it a night because I had to work all day on friday all night staurday and most of the night last night. So other than working and some mild drama my week was pretty boring. But on to more serious things. I posted last time about my lack of a life and feeling like I am working towards nothing. Wellroommate reminds me constantly. Are you making your half of the rent? etc etc. I made a comment about getting my nose repierced and he said something smart ass along the lines of hold off on the nose piercing until the rent is paid. When he said this to me he touched my neck. Those of you who know me well also know that I am very iffy about anyone touching me much less touching my neck. Now my first instint was to knock him on the floor and kick the bloody hell out of him, I resisted. But this bothered me because sometimes he takes father status and makes me feel like a little kid. I know that on some level he is doing it because he is concerned but sometimes it takes every fiber in my being not to scream at him and tell him I am a grown up and I can handle things myself and I am sick of his irritating little nervous laugh as he trys to make everything a joke. I know he is concerned for himself but god damnit it pisses me off. But I will talk more on this later.

Okay so since have been such a slacking ass and haven't had any time to update this thing with my job and lack there of of a social life I will do it now. :Sighs heavily: Don't really know where to start. First and foremost I think I am losing my mind. Literally people I am not kidding. You all thought I was nuts before just wait. I am seeing things. Like I had a vision of my roommate hacking me into little pieces and smiling and laughing the whole time. This is not healthy. I sleep very little. I talk to people even less. I lash out at people who I am no where near angry at. I am angry at so many things right now it is ridiculous. I am still very soar about Sandra not moving in with me. I think that everything would be fine and I wouldn't be so angry if she had been honest with me when I approached her with the subject. I did not want to have the experience of hearing through the grapevine that she had no intention of moving in with me ever. I did not want to hear that she was going to live with her parents as long as she could for whatever reason. I am still very very upset about the fact that damn it I work my ass off and to no avail the only people who see it are the people who never see me at all. The people who even when I was working two jobs I could still make time to see. Now I barely see my roommate. This begins to make a person wonder how do you get a social life when by the time you are leaving your job normal people have long since been in bed. I feel like there is no one my age or around my age I can relate to. Because normal 18 years olds are out partying and having fun being 18 and I am at work getting my shit together to get my ged and go to college in the fall. Every spare moment I have is spent doing something like cleaning my apartment doing laundry working and occasionally if I am lucky I get an hour or so to myself to read or watch a movie before i become comatose and then sleep until I have to get up and do it all over again. I thought my life was in constant motion before... I had no idea what constant motion was. Now here I sit, I have yet to go to bed because I had ridiculous amounts of things to do today before I could sleep. I have to go get my car fixed which I have been putting off for almost a month because I haven't had the money to fix it. I don't have the money now but by a twist of faith my dad is helping me out. But all in all the point of the post is this why do things have to get harder before they ever start to get any easier?

Okay so here is the gig so Rhae was my roommate but she hates everything so she said screw you I'm gone. I invited Sandra to come and be my roommate and she waits till three days before the 1st of april to inform me that she is chicken shit and that she isnt moving in. Some now here i am without a roommate other than nick and now i am going to be paying rent on my own room so that rocks. But the point of this entry is for me to be angry. I am angry because well damnit all of my friends one by one are saying oh hey Jess i love you but hey guess what FUCK YOU! YOU MOVED OUT OF YOUR MUMS AND NOW EVERYTHING IS GOING GOOD FOR YOU AND YOU ARE HAPPY SO NOW THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER DEPRESSED AND ONE WITH US AND OUR BULLSHIT MISERY FUCK YOU! DAMNIT WHEN DOES THIS END? WHEN I AM ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY AND HAVE ALL OF MY FRIENDS?

Hey guys sorry i havent updated in forever. so much has been going on i am likely to be here for days filling everyone in on the craziness of my so called life right now. Well first and foremost I moved out of my mums house. I am now living in ghent with two awesome people and it has been a little crazy but it is getting better. I also ended up quitting Harris Connect. It wasnt for me. They called me when i was on vacation on christmas eve and asked me to work i told them no and that i was on vacation and they threatened to fire so i said screw you i quit. i was working at Friendlys for a while and my year and 3 month mark rolled around and i was depressed and i wasnt making the kind of money i needed to making and so after i found another job i quit there as well. Things have been nuts. Sadly enough here it is my 2nd month on my own and i am supposed to have something to show for it and i have nothing. I have 4 dollars in my pocket and 3/4 of a tank of gas and a pack of cigs. But when my taxes come back i am hoping to change that. Things went south with deanna. She and i are no longer speaking. I had a cell phone that was on her plan but she decided to have my service cut. so yay for me back in the hole again. next order of business. I luv you all and hope some of you who love me comment.

Hey everyone sorry i haven't updated in forever. I have been uber busy with work and work and more work and court and moving out. I have my new place and it is awesome. Christmas has been well a pain in the arse. I am reminded why i hate christmas. so i love you guys sooooooooooo much

Hey guys sorry I haven't updated in forever there has been so much going on I just haven't had time. For those of you who read Rhae- sama's journal or talk to me outside of the internet know that almost two weeks ago I was involved in a hit and run as a pedestrian for everyone else who loves me muchly now you guys know too. No worries though I don't have any broken bones the worst that happened was the car dislocated my knee and then I relocated it. Also I am covered in bruises still which won't go away for a while. They caught the woman who did it because when she hit me I took her passenger side mirror off and the police ran the VIN number. So I will be getting a summons to go to court shortly and I am suing her insurance company. Also I started my new job as a telemarketer which is pretty cool. I am making good money but I will need another job so when I get out on my own I am not only able to have a place to live but also be able to buy groceries and such. I have a couple of guys going crazy over me but they aren't impressing me much. One of them is sweet but still I have so much going I don't want to make hm sacrifice thngs to be with me. What can I say I am a very noble person and when it comes to relationships I don't ask for sacrifices from the person I am with so why should they have to sacrifice to be with me? Other than that I have been screwing around with xanga and myspace and I am making a killing at my new job. I will keep everyone updated on how things are going with my lawsuit as well as my doctors stuff too miss you all muchly!!!!!

I HAVB HAD THE GREATEST NIGHT EVER! I WENT OUT TO THE GAY BAR FOR THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT ANHD IT WAS AWESOME. I GOT MY BIRTHDAY LAP DANCE AND A TABLE FULL OF LESBIANS SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! AND I HAD A GAY MAN GRINDING ON MY ASS LIKE I WAS HIS BITCH! ITN WAS GREAT AND I CAN'T WAIT TO GO AGAIN! ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME LET ME KNOW!

Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
Im ashamed of my life
because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Leave your name and

1. I’ll respond with something random I like about you.

2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.

3. I’ll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. (WTF)

4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me.

5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.

6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.

8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST